Why change from love to hatred?
2022-05-07
Near the Taj Mahal in India, there is a cafe called "Sheroes". Most of the employees there are survivors of the acid attack. Their looks were ruined, but by working in cafes, they regained the courage to go on with their lives. In India, where "buying sulfuric acid is as easy as buying lipstick", it is not uncommon for women to be splashed with sulfuric acid. The most common reason is that their suitors go from love to hatred and then wanton revenge.
Although it is not as serious as throwing sulfuric acid, a friend recently lost her love. Yesterday, she had been cursing her ex for being "single for life". It is very intuitive to feel the hatred in her heart. We can really hate the person we once loved deeply. .
Today I want to talk to you about what happened from love to hatred.
What is the real meaning of "love and hate"?
Before we delve into the transition from love to hate, we need to understand what "love and hate" really is. In psychology, in order to distinguish the unique existence of love and hate, both love and hate are defined as a "motivation".
Love: is a motivation to hope that the happiness of others can be maintained or increased.
Hate: A motive for wanting to reduce or destroy the well-being of others.
However, love and hate motives are only subjective motives and do not necessarily lead to action. The emotions of liking and disliking are often triggered immediately by a certain characteristic of the other party, which is relatively short-lived and fluctuates greatly.
And if the other person's feelings for us are strong enough or long enough, it may make us "motivated" to the other person. But love and hate are still two different motives. We love each other because of each other's qualities, such as beauty, fun, intelligence, etc. It could also be because of the intimacy of the other person with us, such as the other person making us feel good. But we don't have the motive to "hate" just because of the other person's idiosyncrasies. Only when we "subjectively believe that the other party has hurt us" do we view the other party as a threat to us and hope that the other party will weaken or disappear.
Why does love turn into hatred in intimate relationships?
First of all, it can be confirmed that there is a high probability of a change from love to hatred in an intimate relationship. This is because when our emotions are stimulated externally, they have the characteristic of being bipolar. This is known as the "psychological pendulum" effect. That said, our emotions can easily turn to the opposite state. Like a pendulum being lifted high and swung downward, the greater the power of emotion, the greater the degree of this reversal.
We do go from love to hatred more easily because of the psychological pendulum effect. Especially when the other person brings us immediate hurt and pain. In an intimate relationship, common scenarios for these injuries may include: "one-sided loss" "unequal return" "the other's betrayal."
We open ourselves up completely in love, which gives the other person the possibility to hurt us. After being hurt, one partner may feel ashamed of the actions and decisions that exposed vulnerability in the first place. Psychologists believe that shame itself points to destruction and is the root cause of all violence.
Under what circumstances is it easier to change from love to hatred?
1. The party who hurt the other party did not do a good job of "self-reliance"
Self-assurance can be understood as a determination without hostility. There are two specific manifestations of failing to do a good job of self-determination:
One who is not firm enough, such as giving some detached and inconsistent attitudes, often gives false hope to the other party.
The other is to misunderstand the meaning of being strong, disappear without explanation, let the other party guess again and again, and it is more difficult to let go.
Self-assurance requires us to directly express our true feelings and needs, but at the same time respect the feelings and needs of others. That said, when we express our will to "no", we also need to give others the opportunity to understand the reasons behind those decisions.
2. Intimacy that is not "reciprocal"
Some people feel that being nice to me is their free choice, not mine. This kind of thinking is actually an oversimplification of our reality. Because as long as there is interaction, even if it is only unilaterally accepted, it will send a signal to the other party, which is the development of intimacy.
"Mutual mutual benefit" is the basic condition for a healthy intimate relationship. If the party who accepts the payment just enjoys the payment of others, but never returns it. Then this behavior might just be a vague way to reap the benefits of others. This can be an unfair and predatory intimacy. This intimacy is thought to easily lead to a "hateful" motive in the weaker party.
3. Victims: "Abandoning anger" caused by misunderstanding
Sometimes hatred is caused by the victim himself. For example, they have a misunderstanding of love itself: if I'm not with the other person, I lose what I deserve, or I fail. When we regard the object of our admiration or our lover as our possession, we feel deprived of what we deserve, which leads to a kind of "forsaken anger".
And love is not possessing another person, love should be the motive of "hoping for the better". Whether viewing love as possessive or an indicator of self-worth, these thoughts can be attributed to the "narcissistic" personality trait.
Narcissistic people don't really like themselves, but are very self-centered. They are constantly looking to the outside world for attention and affirmation in order to feel good about themselves. They put their own needs first and therefore see others as "meeting their needs." Narcissists easily go from love to hate because the object of their attention refuses to meet their needs. This is unacceptable to them.
How to balance everything from love to hatred that brings us?
Our social culture constructs "hate" as a negative, even immoral being, but hate actually has a positive meaning too. However, going from love to hatred does have unforeseen negative consequences for people.
Anyone who has ever hated knows that "hate" is a hard and difficult experience. Hate for too long prolongs the negative emotions that the event itself brings to us. We tend to reflect on past events in hateful ways, and these reflections take up and drain our cognitive resources and affect our daily lives. Rather than repressing or condoning our hatred, we need to find balance in the experience of going from love to hatred.
Here are some suggestions to summarize:
1. Allow yourself to go from love to hate, but see it as a temporary emergency
2. Focus on yourself and don’t overthink it
3. Gain love and security from other social relationships and seek professional help if necessary
Although it is not as serious as throwing sulfuric acid, a friend recently lost her love. Yesterday, she had been cursing her ex for being "single for life". It is very intuitive to feel the hatred in her heart. We can really hate the person we once loved deeply. .
Today I want to talk to you about what happened from love to hatred.
What is the real meaning of "love and hate"?
Before we delve into the transition from love to hate, we need to understand what "love and hate" really is. In psychology, in order to distinguish the unique existence of love and hate, both love and hate are defined as a "motivation".
Love: is a motivation to hope that the happiness of others can be maintained or increased.
Hate: A motive for wanting to reduce or destroy the well-being of others.
However, love and hate motives are only subjective motives and do not necessarily lead to action. The emotions of liking and disliking are often triggered immediately by a certain characteristic of the other party, which is relatively short-lived and fluctuates greatly.
And if the other person's feelings for us are strong enough or long enough, it may make us "motivated" to the other person. But love and hate are still two different motives. We love each other because of each other's qualities, such as beauty, fun, intelligence, etc. It could also be because of the intimacy of the other person with us, such as the other person making us feel good. But we don't have the motive to "hate" just because of the other person's idiosyncrasies. Only when we "subjectively believe that the other party has hurt us" do we view the other party as a threat to us and hope that the other party will weaken or disappear.
Why does love turn into hatred in intimate relationships?
First of all, it can be confirmed that there is a high probability of a change from love to hatred in an intimate relationship. This is because when our emotions are stimulated externally, they have the characteristic of being bipolar. This is known as the "psychological pendulum" effect. That said, our emotions can easily turn to the opposite state. Like a pendulum being lifted high and swung downward, the greater the power of emotion, the greater the degree of this reversal.
We do go from love to hatred more easily because of the psychological pendulum effect. Especially when the other person brings us immediate hurt and pain. In an intimate relationship, common scenarios for these injuries may include: "one-sided loss" "unequal return" "the other's betrayal."
We open ourselves up completely in love, which gives the other person the possibility to hurt us. After being hurt, one partner may feel ashamed of the actions and decisions that exposed vulnerability in the first place. Psychologists believe that shame itself points to destruction and is the root cause of all violence.
Under what circumstances is it easier to change from love to hatred?
1. The party who hurt the other party did not do a good job of "self-reliance"
Self-assurance can be understood as a determination without hostility. There are two specific manifestations of failing to do a good job of self-determination:
One who is not firm enough, such as giving some detached and inconsistent attitudes, often gives false hope to the other party.
The other is to misunderstand the meaning of being strong, disappear without explanation, let the other party guess again and again, and it is more difficult to let go.
Self-assurance requires us to directly express our true feelings and needs, but at the same time respect the feelings and needs of others. That said, when we express our will to "no", we also need to give others the opportunity to understand the reasons behind those decisions.
2. Intimacy that is not "reciprocal"
Some people feel that being nice to me is their free choice, not mine. This kind of thinking is actually an oversimplification of our reality. Because as long as there is interaction, even if it is only unilaterally accepted, it will send a signal to the other party, which is the development of intimacy.
"Mutual mutual benefit" is the basic condition for a healthy intimate relationship. If the party who accepts the payment just enjoys the payment of others, but never returns it. Then this behavior might just be a vague way to reap the benefits of others. This can be an unfair and predatory intimacy. This intimacy is thought to easily lead to a "hateful" motive in the weaker party.
3. Victims: "Abandoning anger" caused by misunderstanding
Sometimes hatred is caused by the victim himself. For example, they have a misunderstanding of love itself: if I'm not with the other person, I lose what I deserve, or I fail. When we regard the object of our admiration or our lover as our possession, we feel deprived of what we deserve, which leads to a kind of "forsaken anger".
And love is not possessing another person, love should be the motive of "hoping for the better". Whether viewing love as possessive or an indicator of self-worth, these thoughts can be attributed to the "narcissistic" personality trait.
Narcissistic people don't really like themselves, but are very self-centered. They are constantly looking to the outside world for attention and affirmation in order to feel good about themselves. They put their own needs first and therefore see others as "meeting their needs." Narcissists easily go from love to hate because the object of their attention refuses to meet their needs. This is unacceptable to them.
How to balance everything from love to hatred that brings us?
Our social culture constructs "hate" as a negative, even immoral being, but hate actually has a positive meaning too. However, going from love to hatred does have unforeseen negative consequences for people.
Anyone who has ever hated knows that "hate" is a hard and difficult experience. Hate for too long prolongs the negative emotions that the event itself brings to us. We tend to reflect on past events in hateful ways, and these reflections take up and drain our cognitive resources and affect our daily lives. Rather than repressing or condoning our hatred, we need to find balance in the experience of going from love to hatred.
Here are some suggestions to summarize:
1. Allow yourself to go from love to hate, but see it as a temporary emergency
2. Focus on yourself and don’t overthink it
3. Gain love and security from other social relationships and seek professional help if necessary
